המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים
Day 998, first time in Kfar Chabad.
I'm not sure where or when I left off, so I'll try to give a recap of the weekend and today.
At some point on Friday I messaged my psychologist Michael Rose asking if I could use his shower as I've gotten a bit worrisome using the mikvaot (ritual baths that also have showers) because a. my wallet and passport were stolen when I was in a mikvah 2 years ago and as well because the last time I was at a mikvah in Meah Shearim I was harrassed over taking my top clothing off before my bottom clothing. Eventually Michael agreed and I headed over there. Once there he informed me that a neighbour in the building was going away for Shabbat and that I could make use of [parts of] the apartment and shower there. We also had the meals together. For some reason the apartment's renter did not want me there alone and he was to sleep there and be there any time I would be there. Our meals were less than satisfactory but as my mother, G-d bless her soul (even though I do curse her when I'm peeved how my life is going) used to (and possibly still does) say, "beggars can't be choosers". Friday night we did not visit a synagogue but rather prayed in his home, he and his wife taking their time and I delaying as much as possible (because I don't believe G-d is listening, or if He is, answering in the negative). He prayed in Hebrew and she in English. I barely mumbled the words. The food may have been sub my hopes (I'm not a vegan) but the company was nice, despite an angry outburst on my part, and we as well enjoyed some singing. In the morning we went to a local synagogue where there were Ashkenazim as well as Sfaradim, possibly some English speakers as well, but I did not engage in conversation with anyone to any notable extent aside from Michael. After we returned and I had some leftover herring... not my favourite type of herring but with fresh organic tomato slices was quite delicious. After what I can only describe as an appetizer type meal we blessed the grace after meals (using the NCSY Ivrit edition bencher) and they proceeded to go for a walk. I exited with them but almost immediately after required the restroom and returned. After I exited again, had a cigarette or two, returned, and took a nap on their couch. A few hours later we did the third meal although I barely ate... I'm a bit of a finicky eater... and then Michael and I headed to the synagogue again, although closed, and then on to a parking garage, where another prayer service (minyan) was scheduled. We did the afternoon service by ourselves, me hurriedly, followed by a cigarette, and then waited for the group to arrive for the evening service. After, we returned and did the seperation ceremony (Havdalah), followed by me playing poker (and thank G-d continuing to win) and then thoughts and discussion about my returning to live with my cousin on the west bank (Eli/Eliezer Spodek), though that is much like beating a dead horse, what with there being no work out there and I not getting along with his female housemate and presumably being a bad influence for his two sons... I've been a bit of a womanizer, or at least tried to be one...
After departing, hours after getting my belongings from my absentee host, a Ms. Chana Spivack (possible relation to the Spivack's of Toronto) I set off to a. find a pizza joint - I'd had no pizza, neither Kosher for Passover nor otherwise for at least a week and b. to do laundry. I still regret not getting a haircut before Pesach. I hate having hair and beard in the heat and summer is right around the corner. I think today was at least 18°C (something like 65°F). Once laundry was concluded I set off for the old city of Jerusalem where there's a children's park (probably more accurately called a toddlers park) with soft ground where I like to sleep now that the bench I used to use has been removed for construction of the elevator to the Kotel (no obvious connection, though maybe in G-d's mind yes, and maybe the people were getting sick of seeing the homeless bum I've become since arriving in Israel).
However, along the way I passed a basketball court I've slept in, though not well, and because of my exhaustion, though how I was exhausted after sleeping about 7 hours Friday night and another hour or possibly even 3 Saturday afternoon, I don't know, I stopped there. I was not rewarded with immediate sleep and considered continuing my walk to my original destination but gave up in favour (multiple times) of playing poker and meditating / talking to myself about my life and experiences and predicament. Eventually I fell asleep and it was very enjoyable. I awoke around 8 to the blazing sun and was grateful I'd slept late. I packed up and headed to Cofix in the old city (unfortunately closed) and then to Ma'afeh Ne'eman (thankfully open) for my Hafuch Chazak Bli Ketzef (strong cappuccino without foam, small size). After a couple cigarettes I headed to the Kotel for Shacharis and charging my phone - gop3 takes a lot of battery power, not to mention time. My next stop was back to Michael and Tehilla's place to pick up my hard saved cash which I'd deposited the night before but changed my mind in the morning, both from lack of faith and as well uncertainty where this week would lead me - a good decision considering I headed to Kfar Chabad for the first time in my life and needed money on my Rav Kav (bus card) and for another pack of cigarettes and possibly food tonight and tomorrow. From Michael and Tehilla's I headed back to the old city for lunch at the Colel Chabad soup kitchen (unfortunately not Shnitzel but rather leftovers from Pesach (white, tasteless fish, matza, mashed potatoes and carrots - not mashed carrots, just cubed) - maybe a provision in case any chutznik's - Jews from outside Israel visiting who are technically still in Pesach - Pesach is 8 days outside Israel and 7 in). After lunch I headed directly to the light rail to grab either a bus or train to Tel Aviv or whatever Google Maps was trying to tell me was the directions to Kfar Chabad. I had the pleasure of helping a middle aged woman charge up her Rav Kav and then after my own (after another gentleman asked me something else about the light rail train and payment system, of which I didn't immediately understand). At the central bus station I, the first of a number of travel confusions on my part, asked how to get to Herzliya, as that seemed, from my understanding, how to get, eventually, to Kfar Chabad. Covid (coronavirus) has as well made travel confusing and trying. Finally I boarded the train to Tel Aviv. I settled down to play some more poker. The thought of reading Tehilim crossed my mind but I really don't believe G-d cares about me. I played, quite well, as if G-d cares about my interests and not my well-being, but that may in fact be my own doing for not listening to HaRav Gershon Elisha Schochet's 'command' or serious advice to finally quit smoking and cigarettes, as far as I know, are the type of harm considered one does to oneself, and not a major addiction (and I massively blame the Rabbi who gave me permission to smoke 19.5 years ago, as well as my friend from high school who gave me my first cigarette when I was 15, as well as my cocounselors in camp in summer 2001 and my friends in fall 2001 who provided, just like food, or perhaps 'adult candy'. I also deep, deep down blame my mother for my porn/masterbation addiction for her giving me access to the internet, unsupervised, at the age of 12, as well as my Rabbi's who talked so much about this particular sin, though in retrospect, with the alternative being that I discover sexuality around my sister, less than 2 years my junior (although possibly her friends, but teenage pregnancy is not, repeat, not typically a Jewish value)... I suppose with the options being masterbation vs sex with my sister's friends or G-d forbid my sister herself, I think G-d Himself would have chosen masterbation... afterall, the Biblical narrative describing the prohibition is about not impregnating one's wife... I suppose I'll find out in the world of truth, the afterlife.
Wow have I gotten off topic.
I sit here in a house of mourners, munching on cookies, and I wonder, 'are the mourners still in Pesach and forbidden from eating the cookies?'. I live in a very confusing and complicated world.
On the train I got confused about where to get off and how exactly Google was directing me... For some reason Google Maps is ALWAYS upside down. It doesn't matter what direction I travel in, it ALWAYS orients, points, the opposite way from where I'm facing... Alma d'shikra says the Talmud. A world of lies. I went to far on the train, had to get off, take a train back 2 or 3 stops, switch to another train, and finally walk 1.1km to arrive, and then write this. I seriously hope (if I in fact have any readers) that I am contributing to your life and adding value. Until next time - April 4, 2021 | 22 Nissan 5781, 18:15ish.
Pictured is the sister, though the photo is quite dated, sitting shiva. I also forgot to mention that after the morning prayers Saturday morning, my psychologist took me to a pen where there are goats and chickens and a few other small animals and birds and we fed them. He had taken a large shopping bag, one of those nature friendly reusable big ones that usually cost a dollar or 10 shekels, filled with vegetable peelings and ends. It was a lot of fun and quite interesting watching them feed and feeding them, as well as the kids, the little ones, trying it out. It was an experience I don't recall having in my youth.
https://youtu.be/Zu4JS087viE
