Day 1,117 in Israel, day 14,129 alive, Sunday August 1, 2021 | 23 Av, 5781

So what did I do today? I awoke as usual, around 10am, slightly before. Bathroom, coffee, cigarettes, bathroom again, online poker, contact some people on WhatsApp, feel bad about pushing off morning blessings and Shacharis (and not doing netilas yadayim). Finally having scored a whole bunch of points on the poker app, I get ready to shower, only to discover the shower door is closed... oy, I've been preempted? Someone seemingly beat me to it. Oh well, more cigarettes, more poker - I don't turn off the app when I go to do something else as I can still get points in tournaments even when I'm not actually there - something I learned from other players who get set to 'away'. Then I noticed my apartment mate doing stuff around the apartment and thus not using the shower, knock and getting no response and noticing the door budge a bit, go back to my room to get my towel and shower. At first in my clothes - save on laundry and rotate my clothing and underwear every other day. Next was grabbing my tefillin and tzitzis - I wanted to wear them under an extra shirt when I went ice skating later but later found out the rink was cold enough for either... ended up just wearing tzitzis at Shacharis which is okay as I'm Ashkenazi and my family's custom / minhag is to only wear a Talis after marriage or if the Cantor (Chazzan) or getting called up to the Torah but after hanging around Chabad for so many years I've basically stopped those because they're not Chabad customs. On the way to the Kotel I stopped by Cofix for a strong cappuccino with no foam. After Shacharis I went to the steps and unfortunately there were no chairs available so I sat on the steps themselves - not terrible, not fantastic. It was definitely slow going. Perhaps 30 came in in the next hour or so and from after lunch until meeting my friend Avraham and his guards (those he was charged with taking care of) to go ice skating. 

So where was I... I had been driving with my psychologist and got interrupted and now hours and hours later I want to finish this post - afterall, none of my WhatsApp blasts are complete. Even today's was missing some key events in my initial plan, despite the plan going haywire halfway and again later.

At the bus stop we waited patiently and soon enough the bus was ready - they tend to arrive early and wait until the designated time of departure - much like airplanes, I presume. Once at the rink we were informed that the next hour was completely pre-booked and that we should return at 4:45 to book 5-6. Off we went to the bicycle and other pedaled vehicles - for kids. The kids were informed about the various vehicles - bicycles and atv style riders and Avraham paid the fees. For the next hour-ish we waited around while the kids pedaled around, also watching some highlights from the Olympics on his phone, as well as an instructor instruct some seminary girls on how to use Segways. I smoke way too many cigarettes - unrelated 

Back at the rink Avraham paid the fee and we headed to the skate distribution counter and surprise surprise, in Israel you get skates your shoe size and not larger like in Canada. One of the employees had hockey skates but pretty much all the recreational skaters had ... I have no idea how to refer to them. Skates. Not hockey skates and not figure skates. Just skates. The ice was nice, not quite like Canadian or hockey rinks, but manageable. I skated a little on my own and approximately 50% with one of Avraham's charges or another child needing assistance. After I met Michael, my psychologist.

First we got coke and him coffee and then on to the health food store for his almond butter spread and me my whey protein shake and a new shaker. Almost at the end I called sushi rehavia and ordered a nigiri combination for me and a vegetarian sandwich for him - both were disappointing. My nigiri combination was much smaller than I expected and his vegetarian sandwich had egg... I too thought it would be just vegetables. After we cleaned up (we had eaten at his apartment). I can't recall what his wife ate, although I'm almost certain she had some of the salad, same for me and same for Michael - Rabbi Dr. Michael Rose, M. A., I should say, and then we headed to Kever Shmuel Hanavi - the tomb of Samuel the prophet. I worked my way through the introduction, and after a cigarette break, the Tehillim in the Tikun Haklali. After this I joined the Maariv minyan at Shmoneh Esrei, feeling guilty for miming making fun of the Chasid who tried to get me to join. As Michael wasn't ready to leave yet I headed to the kiosk to get yet another can of coke - this one with English and Arabic and opening slightly differently than any can of coke I can remember ever having. After this Michael gave a ride to a couple Chassidim and one other person - the Chassidim to Ramot and the other to the Geula / Meah Shearim intersection. After this he drove me 'home'. Along the way I picked up another pack of cigarettes - I didn't want to run out in the middle of the night.

Upon arriving 'home', I turned on the poker app and began - losing. I received a text message from a Rabbi, yet another Rabbi I'm sorely disappointed in - 6+ years in his company and no dates, no suggestions of appropriate women to date, no job offers, no suggestions of appropriate job openings... just religiosity for religiosity's sake. I'm almost certain that come this Rosh Hashanah, if I'm not married and living in my own home, that I will throw away my tefillin. It saddens me on two fronts. First, these are my second pair. I'd lost my first pair decades ago and upon receiving my 'inheritance' from my mother, bought a new pair - from Rav Fleischer of Toronto - a well known and respected Sofer. And secondly because it will probably be a futile act of rebellion as there are so many Chabad stands 'offering' the mitzvah of tefillin that eventually I'll probably put them on again. Like so much of life - all is in the hands of heaven except fear of heaven. I suppose that means love of G-d is in His 'hands' too. My life and my decisions are so pointless.

This text that I received stated that I should wake up, wake up (in Hebrew) to teshuva as I'm in a strong darkness. I thought that was a double entendre as it's night here. At first I ignored it but after not getting anywhere in the poker app, I upped and started walking to the Kotel. Along the way I said hello to a few pretty women but it didn't go anywhere. Once at the Kotel I finished reading today's portion of Chok liyisrael which I'd began at mincha at the shul (synagogue) Shaarei Achim of immigrants from Kurdistan, Iran. After leaving the Kotel I was determined to send out this 'ultimatim' to various Rabbi's I have on WhatsApp but concluded that I must be either talking to their wives or they simply are powerless and can't help, plus my other reasons as stated above.

One other thing of note - at least to me - happened. As I was walking towards the Jewish quarter of the old city two young men were walking the other direction. One stopped and asked me, in a tone I found both demeaning to him and I both, for a cigarette, "perhaps by chance you have a cigarette, sir". I responded, also in Hebrew, "why do you request in such a demeaning tone" - paraphrasing, as I don't know either the word for demeaning nor what precisely I said. 

That is all for now. I am going to go pee and then watch some more Boston Legal. Good night.

Fast forward to 7am

As far as I can remember, there have been 4 periods in my life when I functioned relatively normally. The first was my childhood. I had a structured and, pardon the reusage of the phrase, relatively normal upbringing and familial connections... and then my parents divorced and my mother's parents passed and I stopped 'functioning'. The second was shortly before I turned 14 and entered foster care and again had a relatively normal familial structure and schooling, at my foster mother's behest, albeit strictly, became necessary to me again. After leaving them and living in the yeshiva's dorms, I slowly but surely gave up. Don't get me wrong, living on school premises, surrounded by loving and dedicated families helped me to maintain a semblance of normalcy, but I stopped believing in a future - again. It wasn't until February 2003, with my girlfriend of the time always available for my calls and whining that I started to make strides towards a future. Why did it take so long? I suppose because for the first year and a half of our relationship, we had no grounding and I constantly had to convince her to be mine as well as deal with, or perhaps better stated as, be normal and have friends. Once back in Toronto come summer 2002 the effort switched to that of trying to maintain a long distance relationship as well as cope with living with my rejected and insane mother. I say rejected because my father did just that and I say insane because she chose - and it's been harped on and on to me that everything comes down to free will and as a child of 12, my mother chose her career over being my mother and the rock for me to lean on... I suppose I should blame my father as well but the courts awarded her custody and not him and he had left the house. To me, he ceased being the father, the guiding force, the grounding force, the disciplinarian, if such a word can be used in the positive. Come February 2003 I'd had my first taste of money and a caring employer and with my girl always there to hear me bitch - and it didn't hurt that she had such a sweet voice and tolerance of my bitching and whining about my emotions and perceived hurts, I finally felt whole, so much so that not much later and I was gainfully employed and working to be with her or convincing her to be with me at every opportunity once again. I had money for travel and someone I wanted to be around and with. I just wish I'd thought to ask her to marry me, but I suppose my parents divorce had almost permanently locked that idea from my desire. I functioned until April 2004. We had spent Pesach, or Passover if you, will together and then I returned 'home'. I received an email from her mother asking me if I wanted to marry her and... I just couldn't. It was the stupidest decision I've ever made but I blame on not paying attention to all those lectures, primarily Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky's lecture on [the impossibility] of platonic relationships (available for download HERE). Had I done so I'd never had gotten involved with her. Had I done so, I'd never have slept with her. Had I done so, perhaps we'd have wed. Had I been perfect, perhaps none of my issues would have happened... The last time I remember being relatively fully functional was in 2006. I'd started a relationship with a woman I'd met on jdate and once again felt close to whole. Unfortunately she didn't have certain aspects I needed, and I suppose - and this is my primary fear should my first girlfriend make the incredible move and get divorced and ask me back - that after my parents divorce and investing every emotional aspect of myself with her, it still didn't work out, but my psychologist still has hope, stating, "I have loved, I will love again" and I do wonder if Pirkey Avos is correct that talking excessively with women causes harm to oneself, talk in general too apparently. Perhaps all the television and movies, i.e. so much talk, and fiction at that, has irreparably harmed me. I doubt I'll ever know - at least not in this lifetime. 7:30am